


Hopelessness

by RussianCaravan



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon Compliant, Drug Addiction, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post X-Men: First Class, Pre-X-Men: Days of Future Past, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 22:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7952050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RussianCaravan/pseuds/RussianCaravan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Possible reasons for Hanks reluctance to stand up to Charles about his alcoholism and serum-overuse of DOFP.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hopelessness

**Author's Note:**

> So this is very, very sad, and I mainly wrote it to let off some bad feelings, but please tell me if there's any issues!

The last of the kids leaving- being sent to war or fleeing after seeing their peers be so easily taken by the Government- was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Charles could no longer focus on the positive thoughts, from his head or from others. The only thing he could find anywhere was pain and suffering. It overwhelmed him. He would stay up to all hours of the night because he just couldn’t sleep from their nightmares, and then stay in bed all day because there was no point to getting up, it was too hard. Useless legs, a sore spine, and a head filled with all the negatives of life. When Hank finally coaxed him out of bed, helping him dress like the useless child he felt himself to be, he tried to put on a happy face so he could be left alone for a little while.

When he finally convinced Hank, using both telepathy and acting, to go out on a longer than necessary grocery trip, he was prepared. He was scared- oh so scared- but his fear of whatever came afterwards was overtaken by hopelessness. There was no reason for him to be here. His own sister had left him, his only friend was Hank, and the man he loves to this day was off doing god-know-what after he abandoned him. His school was in the toilet, his dreams dashed, and the Government more difficult to deal with than ever. His students were either off in a foreign jungle or spread to the winds struggling to survive because they could no longer stand to be around him. This was the only way. He was convinced.

There were three people he needed to write to, even though he knew only one of them would ever be read;

_Dear Raven,_

_My sweet sister, I doubt you will ever care enough to read this, and yet I still feel compelled to write. This is the last correspondence you will ever receive from me, because by the time you read this, I will finally be happy and buried. The burdens of both life and the powers you despised so much have gotten too great- you remember the nights that I could not sleep as a child? When I would yell and scream about the voices and their pain, and then have to ‘convince’ mother not to have them lock me up again? Well I’m afraid they have only gotten more numerous and more painful to hear. It’s too much for me to bear. I have always been weak, but I hope you stay ‘mutant and proud’ as you put it. You will always be my sister._

_From Charles._

There were smudges in the ink from his tears, but he couldn’t seem to care, he was so exhausted.

_My Dearest Erik,_

_I love you and I always will, no matter what you do, no matter how deeply you hurt me, and you have hurt me so much. You left me, bleeding from both my spine and my heart. But, don’t you dare blame yourself nor anyone else for this, you have too much pain and hate in your heart already. One day you will let go of that pain and be able to live a full life, I know you will, because you have always been stronger than I have. I’m not sure how many years it may take for you to read this, but I hope someday you will find it, and I’m sorry that when you arrived the only part of me you shall find will be a gravestone. The pain of these years- of the uselessness of my own body, of missing you, of my school falling into ruin, and of my own powers working against me- have been too much for me to bare. I really am as spoilt, weak, and naïve as you thought. And yet I still wish I could hear your voice, feel your touch, and see your smile one last time._

_Yours, Charles._

By the time he had finished the second note, he could scarcely see through the tears.

_Dear Hank,_

_I can’t apologise enough that you will be the one to find my body. But you’ve seen me these last few weeks and months, I’m a pathetic, lazy mess. I have nothing to live for. No hope, no dreams, and one friend that I burden so much every day. I leave everything to you- as Raven and Erik seem content where-ever they are- you deserve my wealth, my mansion, and my land. There has been all of one person who has stuck with me through the trials and tribulations of the last few years of pain, work, and heartache, and that’s you. You’ve proven yourself the greatest friend anyone could ask for, but I’m afraid I must take advantage of your kindness and generosity again. Please ensure that if/when Raven or Erik finally come home, they receive these letters from me, and know that I would like to be buried under a tree on a hill somewhere- not in the Xavier crypt. You mean the world to me Hank, and I’m sorry I have placed these burdens on your young shoulders- but I’m afraid the weight of living is too great for me. I am a failure- don’t end up like me._

_From Charles._

He let out a deep breath and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes, and looked to the many bottles of sleeping and pain pill he’d been prescribed for his spine- his disability would also be his way out. After moving from his desk and pulling himself into bed he took handfuls of the many pills into his hand and swallowed as many per mouthful of water as possible, he counted near thirty before he lost count and his vision began to swim. He threw up all over himself- but he continued swallowing the pills until darkness swallowed him.

 

However, that darkness was not forever, because he woke up in a hospital bed. Hank, hiding under a large hat and a coat, was beside him, the fur of his cheeks wet from recent tears. There were more tears, Hanks voice was raspy and oh so scared. Normally he would need to be under 72 hour suicide watch, but with a tap of his fingers to his head he was led out, Hank pushing his wheelchair while he regained his strength.

That night he could barely look Hank in the eyes. Guilt had overwhelmed him, but eventually Hank sat down across the table.

“Charles I – please, please, don’t- don’t do this again.” A sad smile appears on Charles’ face.

“It’s not that simple Hank.”

 

In the weeks following Hank worked tirelessly to find a way to take the voices away, but even when the voices disappeared, the hopelessness within Charles remained.

 

“Please Hank, just do this for me, just let me go.” Charles pleaded as he reached for the knife that Hank had taken form him. “I can’t do this, it’s too much.”

“I can’t let you die Professor, but I also don’t want to hurt you, please.” Hank would hold him as he shook, cried, and begged to die. And when Charles demanded more and more serum and alcohol to numb his pain, Hank could never say no. Not when he knew the alternative.


End file.
